fic_of_fork: (otp)
[personal profile] fic_of_fork
Word Count:  1286
Summary:  On a shopping trip, Donna and the Doctor have a frank conversation about some things.
Warnings:  Plenty of innuendo.
Rating:  Adult
Characters:  Donna, the Doctor, Braxiatel (implied)
Genre:  AU
Author's Note:  For [livejournal.com profile] mtemplar_fic, who was having a crappy weekend last weekend.  Takes place between chapters 13 and 14 of "Spiegel im Spiegel."  Thanks to [livejournal.com profile] persiflage_1 for taking a look at it.
Disclaimer:  I don't own Doctor Who, Torchwood, Bernice Summerfield, or any of its characters, and I'm receiving no profit from this beyond the joy of writing.


“New flat, nothing in, and Brax is being released later today,” Donna told the Doctor, as he carried a shopping basket behind her. 

“He's still spending a lot of time in a trance healing, I doubt he'll be picky,” the Doctor muttered.

“What was that, Spaceman?”  Donna asked.

“Nothing...”  The Doctor obediently followed Donna and placed the items on the counter to be rung up, then produced a pair of brightly-colored bags to pack the groceries in.   “Say, you weren't going to make nut loaf, were you?”

“I was considering it, why?”

“Might reconsider, given your nut loaf.  Don't want to put him back in hospital again.” 

“Like you can talk,” Donna snapped.

“I'll have you know that my culinary skills are top-notch,” the Doctor asserted as he hefted the two bags and followed Donna.

“Right,” Donna mumbled sarcastically.

“My bread pudding recipe is famous throughout three galaxies,” the Doctor preened.

Donna had stopped in front of a chemist.  Awkwardly, she glanced at the Doctor, then went inside.  Curious about her change in demeanor, the Doctor followed, but felt as if he'd hit a brick wall when he realized what Donna was looking at.  He could feel the heat rise to his cheeks, as he blushed.

“Normally I leave it to the bloke to buy 'em,” Donna said.  “But I didn't know if Brax would know where to go, since he's not from here, and all.  I mean, I wouldn't have a clue where to buy a condom on your planet.”

“W-what for?” the Doctor stammered.

“Do you really want me to answer that?”  Donna leveled at him.

“No, do you think you'd need them?”  the Doctor clarified.

“Oh, right.  Well it doesn't hurt to be prepared,” Donna explained.  “I know he's still healing, but it's better than awkwardly trying to find a chemist still open if we would need them.  Of course closing times don't matter when the person you're seeing is a time traveler.”

After an uncomfortable pause, the Doctor said, “You do know that most of those diseases they're supposed to prevent are human-specific, yeah?”

“I'm not worried about him.  I'm worried about me catching space HIV or something,” Donna explained.

“I really don't think you have cause to worry...”  the Doctor muttered. 

“And I don't think either one of us is ready for a child,” Donna said.

“Donna, do I need to remind you that you two are different species?”

“Didn't you mention a half-human great-grandchild?”  Donna countered.

The Doctor rubbed his forehead.  “Okay, just think about it for a second.  My people live an incredibly long time.  Don't you think if we bred like humans did, that the universe would be overrun by Time Lords?  Ugh, what a thought...”

“You mean, he can fire blanks?”  Donna wondered.

“That's one way of putting it.”

The Doctor turned to leave and make a surreptitious exit, when Donna held up two boxes.  “I never thought to ask him.  Do you think latex would be a problem?”

“It's not a topic that comes up much between us,” the Doctor blurted.

“Latex sensitivity isn't a fun time down there, let me tell you,” Donna told the Doctor.  “Why, first time I slept with Mark—drawing a blank on his surname—he got a terrible rash.  Didn't know he was allergic at the time and thought it was something nasty, know what I mean?  I'll go with the polyurethane.” 

But Donna hesitated, as she considered the boxes.  “What about size?”  Donna asked.  “I mean, these are for human blokes.”

“Nine hundred years of traveling through time, and I'm only now having this conversation,”  the Doctor muttered to his gods.  “Of all the legends about Time Lords, I'd think if they were more... gifted... you'd hear, don't you?”

“No need to get snippy with me, Martian,” Donna countered.  “I haven't a clue what else is bigger on the inside with you.”
 
The Doctor tried to make his exit once more, breathing a sigh of relief to whatever deities could possibly exist, when Donna hesitated once more. 

“You lot are cooler than us, aren't you?”  Donna asked.

“Um, a bit, yeah.”

“A bit?  Think I heard Brax's temperature was around fifteen degrees.  That would be like being penetrated with a frozen sausage, wouldn't it?  That's more than 'a bit,' Sunshine, especially near my neither-regions.”

The Doctor felt his cheeks burn, and he prayed that the Vortex would swallow him whole.  “Well...um...”  The Doctor cleared his throat awkwardly.  “In my experience,” he began again, “it hasn't been an issue.”

“You mean they liked it, or they just didn't bring it up with you?”

The Doctor put his hand on Donna's arm.  “Extremities are warmer than the rest of a humanoid, yeah?”  he said. 

Donna examined a small bottle.  “Maybe I should get the self-warming kind?”

“Tested on humans,” the Doctor said, as he shifted on his feet uncomfortably.  “Try explaining that injury at A&E.”

“Yeah, you're right,” Donna said.  “That would be more awkward than trying to explain why Brax has two hearts.  I'll get the regular.”

Finally, Donna made her way to the cash register, and the Doctor offered up thanks to any and all deities he could think of, regardless of whether or not he actually believed in them.  When she put her purchases into one of the bags he was carrying, he felt a surge of relief.

As they walked, Donna said, “Back there you said 'in my experience.'  Just how much experience have you had, anyway?”

“Enough,” the Doctor muttered.

“Like who?  Anyone famous?”  Donna asked.

“Oh very human.  All of time and space to explore, and you're merely wondering who I've slept with?”

“Tell me you didn't sleep with Cleopatra,” Donna demanded.

“Far be it for me to boast about such things...”

Donna stopped in front of her new flat and laughed.  “I just can't see you in a one night stand.”

“We had a certain kind of relationship, you might say.”

“Now you're just taking the piss.”

“Am not!”  the Doctor squawked. 

Donna unlocked her door and stormed up the stairs with the Doctor following, carrying the bags.  “I asked you a civil question, and I didn't expect smart arse in response.  Next you'll be telling me you had an affair with Jane Austen.”

“Of course not.  Don't be silly.  Mary Shelley traveled with me for a time, though.”

Donna held open the door to her flat so the Doctor could carry her groceries inside.  Boxes were still piled up inside.  “If you weren't OK with this, you'd say, right?”

“With carrying your shopping?”  the Doctor asked, as he put the milk into Donna's refrigerator. 

“No, the fact that I'm in love with your brother,” Donna admitted.

“Donna, you don't exactly choose who you fall in love with.”

“It's getting serious,” Donna said.

“No, really?”  the Doctor pronounced with sarcasm.  “I had no idea whatsoever.  Was it the visit to the chemist that gave it away?”  He broke into a large grin that lit up the room.  “You and Brax.  Never would've guessed in a million years.  I'm happy for you both.  I truly am.”

Donna returned his grin, and to the Doctor she seemed calmer, more settled.  “Come on,” she said as she picked up her car keys.  “Let's go pick up Brax.”
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